I’ve finalized the offense of my dream team of video game characters, so now it’s time to pick a mean, scary, brick-wall defense. As the old adage goes, “defense wins championships”, so I need a tough group of bruisers that can shut down opposing offenses and get the ball back in our hands.
For my defensive scheme, I’ve decided to run a 3-4 , standing up four linebackers, putting down three lineman, and putting two safeties and two cornerbacks in the defensive backfield. It’s a passing league these days, and this is the type of defense that’s best for getting pressure on the quarterback and forcing bad throws, in my opinion.
That being said, here are the starters I selected for my defense.
Weight: 291 lbs
Projected Stats: 58 tackles; 16 sacks; 4 forced fumbles; 8 opponents trampled
His size, stature, and strength make him an ideal starting defensive end. He may not be the quickest, but his power is great enough to flatten any poor sap that gets in his way. Also, he can use the Triforce of Power to transform into Ganon and bull rush the quarterback, making him, quite literally, a deadly pass rusher.
Weight: 298 lbs
Projected Stats: 65 tackles; 10 sacks, 2 forced fumbles; 5 opponents knocked out
Slightly undersized for a nose tackle, but stronger and more athletic than any in the NFL, Balrog would play opposite of center on my defensive line. He has the quick hands and feet of a boxer, giving him the ability to effectively get around blockers with finesse moves. Also, his boxing background could prove useful for shedding blocks with powerful punches.
LE: Master Chief
Weight: 287 lbs
Projected Stats: 75 tackles, 22 sacks, 6 forced fumbles;
He’s strong, explosive, and speedy as hell. I couldn’t ask for a better defensive end. With the ability to run as fast as 60 mph, there is no quarterback elusive enough to evade the wrath of Master Chief. Likewise, there’s no blocker brave enough to get in the way of 287 lbs of Spartan armor running at the speed of a moving car.
ROLB: Khalil Mack
Weight: 252 lbs
Projected Stats: 85 tackles; 12 sacks; 5 forced fumbles; 3 interceptions
Ok, so he’s not a video game character, but as a lifelong, die-hard Chicago Bears fan, I couldn’t resist. The dude is an absolute beast. In just three games, he’s racked up 13 tackles, 4 sacks, 1 interception (which he returned for a touchdown), and 3 forced fumbles. That’s absolutely bonkers. He’s clearly superhuman, so he would fit in perfectly on this squad.
Weight: 240 lbs
Projected Stats: 100 tackles; 8 sacks; 2 forced fumbles; 2 interceptions; 3 opponents ripped in half
Perhaps the most terrifying man on my team, Kratos would be a perfect starting inside linebacker. His strength and athleticism would be useful in blitzing situations, and his sideline-to-sideline speed would make him a terror in the middle of the field. We just need to make sure he keeps his rage in check so he doesn’t cost us yards in unnecessary roughness penalties…
ILB: Duke Nukem
Weight: 240 lbs
Projected Stats: 115 tackles; 6 sacks; 4 forced fumbles; 4 interceptions; Too many asses kicked to keep track of
He’s here to kick ass and chew bubble gum, and he’s all out of gum. I envision Duke Nukem being the hard-hitting inside linebacker that will scare opposing offenses from passing to the middle of the field. With his size, strength, and knack for kicking ass, he could do some serious damage when dropping his shoulder.
OLB: Augustus Cole
Weight: 230 lbs
Projected Stats: 75 tackles; 10 sacks; 2 forced fumbles; 1 interception; Too many corny, unfunny one liners
Before the Locust invaded, Augustus “Cole Train” Cole was a professional Trashball player, so he is no stranger to contact sports. Although he was a defensive lineman in Thrashball, he’s a bit undersized for the position in NFL, so I’d rather stand him up as an outside linebacker. He has the speed, strength, and aggression to be a devastating pass rusher.
CB: Liu Kang
Weight: 185 lbs
Projected Stats: 55 tackles; 5 interceptions; 12 pass deflections; 4 opponents finished
About the size of an NFL cornerback, Liu Kang is quick and athletic enough to cover any wide receiver. He has tremendous leaping ability, allowing him to hang in the air and contest jump balls with taller receivers. He also has tremendous hand-eye coordination, which is evident in his combat skills, so he would be excellent at deflecting and intercepting passes.
CB: Geralt of Rivia
Weight: 187 lbs
Projected Stats: 50 tackles; 7 interceptions; 18 pass deflections; Countless games of Gwent played on the sidelines
Athletic, strong, and tough as nails, Geralt would be the cornerback I would assign to cover top receivers. Using the powers of his signs, he could frustrate the hell out of opponents. Yrden could be used to temporarily immobilize wide receivers, Aard could be used to knock them to the ground, and Axii could be used to persuade them to hand the ball over to him.
SS: Johnny Cage
Weight: 190 lbs
Projected Stats: 70 tackles; 2 interceptions; 10 pass deflections; 6 pairs of sunglasses broken
Mr. Hollywood himself. Johnny Cage would start as my strong safety, mainly because of his superhuman shadow abilities. They would make him dangerous on safety blitzes, and also help him clobber receivers into dropping passes. Also, he would do wonders for our image. We need his flash and style to keep the media interested in our team.
FS: Nathan Drake
Projected Stats: 60 tackles; 4 interceptions; 15 pass deflections; Several
In addition to being super athletic, Nathan Drake is fearless. He wouldn’t be afraid to put his body on the line to make a big play. I mean, we’re talking about a guy who dangled from a train falling off the side of a cliff and free climbs dilapidated ancient ruins without a care. He would have no qualms about diving to make an interception or dropping his shoulder to make a big hit.
P: Solid Snake
Weight: 165 lbs
Projected Stats: Nobody cares about punter stats; 16 packs of cigs smoked; 1 cardboard box to hide in on the sidelines
Frankly, I wanted Solid Snake on my team, but his size prevents him from playing virtually any offensive or defensive position, so I decided to make him my punter. If you’ve played Super Smash Bros Brawl, then you know how thunderous his kicks are. He could probably punt the hell out of a football, which would be helpful in pinning opposing offenses back in their own territory.
K: Chun Li
Projected Stats: 42/42 FGs; 5 balls deflated from kicking too hard
Who else would I chose to be my kicker other than the one and only Chun Li? Her incredible kicking power would help hit crucial field goals. I feel like any distance is a chip shot for her. Hell, she could probably hit one from 100 yards out.
That completes my starting defensive and special teams roster for my video game football team. With this stifling defense, and my powerhouse offense, there’s no doubt in my mind that we would be immortalized in Super Bowl glory.