The Video Game Virtuoso

Are you ready for some football? I sure am. As a matter of fact, I’ve been ready since the day after Super Bowl LII. We’ve just entered week 3 of the NFL season, and I couldn’t be happier. Once again, my Sundays are dedicated to eating good food and watching incredible athletes duke it out on the gridiron.

A few months ago, I noticed bloggers were putting together their ideal World Cup squads comprised of video game characters. I loved the idea, but didn’t catch on until a few weeks after the tournament had ended, so I figured I was too late to the party with that one. Once the NFL season started a few weeks back, it occurred to me that I could do the same thing with football, so that’s what I did!

Here is the offense I chose for my Super Bowl-winning squad of video game characters:

LT: Bowser

Height: 9’3”

Weight: 2,600 lbs

Projected Stats: 850 pancake blocks; 0 sacks allowed; 7 defenders accidentally incinerated

Because of his size and strength, Bowser is my ideal left tackle. This is perhaps the hardest position on the offensive line because the player is responsible for stopping edge rushers without the help of a tight end. All I know is, no defensive end, speed rusher, or blitzing safety stands a chance at getting past this 9’3”, 2,600-pound monster.

LG: King Dedede

Height: Unknown

Weight: Unknown, but probably a lot

Projected Stats: 700 pancake blocks; 0 sacks allowed; 3 defenders accidentally crushed to death

Filling out the left guard position is the giant, penguin-like beast, King Dedede. Leveraging his big body to absorb contact from defensive linemen, he could effectively protect the quarterback on passing plays. When it comes to the run game, his dash attack could be a major asset because it can clear multiple defenders out of the way to create open running lanes.

C: Roadhog

Height: 7’3”

Weight: 550 lbs

Projected Stats: 400 pancake blocks; 0 sacks allowed; 50 defenders made squeal

I can think of no better character to play center than Roadhog. With his size and strength, he can easily neutralize any nose tackle. Also, his precision with his chain hook gives me confidence that he could accurately snap a football in pistol and shotgun formations, as well as long-snapping situations.

RG: Executioner Smough

Height: Unkown

Weight: Unkown, but probably a lot

Projected Stats: 700 pancake blocks; 0 sacks allowed; 6 defenders executed

This behemoth caused many Dark Souls players loads of frustration, and he would do the same to opposing defensive tackles as my starting right guard. In addition to using his large body to stop any defender from getting pressure on the quarterback, he could use his charge attack to bull rush defensive linemen and open up huge holes for the run game.

RT: Donkey Kong

Height: 7’10”

Weight: 800 lbs

Projected Stats: 550 pancake blocks; 0 sacks allowed; 1000 bananas eaten

Because he’s a bit smaller than Bowser, but still extremely large and powerful, Donkey Kong is my starting right tackle. Using his extraordinary strength and reach, he could fend off edge rushers with ease. My only concern is his knack for grabbing and throwing opponents. Might cost us a lot of yards in holding penalties…

TE: Captain Falcon

Height: 6’8”

Weight: 310 lbs

Projected Stats: 80 rec; 1,300 yds; 15 tds; 25 unnecessary roughness penalties from Falcon Punches

I initially had Captain Falcon pegged as a wide receiver because of his height and blazing-fast speed, but after taking his weight into consideration, I determined that he’d make the perfect tight end. Not only would he be able to shed defenders with his quickness and dominate jump ball situations with his leaping ability, his size and strength would also make him a great blocker.

WR1: Samus Aran

Height: 6’3”

Weight: 198 lbs

Projected Stats: 115 rec; 1,750 yds; 18 tds; 17 balls accidentally popped with plasma whip

With the build and speed of a real NFL wideout, Samus would be my star pass catcher. Her quickness and strength would give her the ability to rack up tons of yards after the catch. Also, her plasma whip could come in handy when catching overthrown and underthrown balls.

WR2: Dhalsim

Height: 5’9”

Weight: 106 lbs

Projected Stats: 70 rec; 900 yds; 10 tds; 500 minutes of yoga performed on the sideline

He’s undersized for the position, but he is tough and mighty. His teleportation abilities would be a huge asset for shedding cornerback coverage. Also, his elastic limbs make him a big redzone threat. We could just toss the ball up in the air and let him stretch his arms over the defense to reel in the pigskin.

WR3: Tracer

Height: 5’4”

Weight: Unknown

Projected Stats: 60 rec; 750 yds; 8 tds; 30 plays done over using Recall

She may be small, but she is damn fast, which is why I would start Tracer as my slot receiver. No defender stands a chance at covering her, especially when she uses Blink. Plus, she’s always tossing her guns to herself and catching them in the middle of heated gun battles, so her hands should be good enough to reliably catch passes in traffic.

RB: Sonic

Height 3’3”

Weight: 77 lbs

Projected Stats: 2,150 rush yds; 15 rush tds; 400 rec yds; 6 rec tds; 12 defenders pricked by his spikes

While he is way smaller than what I’d ideally like to see in a running back, I can’t pass up on the extraordinary speed of Sonic. Plus, his shortness could actually work to his advantage as a runner. If any defender gets lucky enough to catch him, they’re going to have a tough time getting low enough to tackle him.

QB: Tom Brady

Height: 6’4”

Weight: 225 lbs

Projected Stats: 5,100 yds; 57 tds; 2 int; 72% pass completion; Another Super Bowl ring, bringing his total to 6

How could I pick anyone else to be the leader of my offense? He’s the GOAT! Couldn’t make up a better fictional quarterback if I tried. He may have trouble seeing over offensive lineman that are all over 7’ tall, but I’m sure he’d find a way to be successful because he is a winner. Love you, Tom!

With an offense like this, there’s no doubt in my mind that my team would score touchdown after touchdown on opposing teams. But, you know what they say: Offense wins games, defense wins championships. Be sure to check back in to see the all-pro defense I’d put together to immortalize my team as Super Bowl champions.